feel so fed up
right now i cannot be bothered going to bed. just want time to think. i know what i’m doing wrong with myself and i know what i’m doing wrong with interaction with others. i know how to fix things and i need to know how to start with it. i am not an obsessive or a stalker which my friends seem to think its just that i try to hard to keep hold onto what i’ve got. I’ve never been the one to have friends and whenever i do i try to so hard to keep them that i just do the worng thing. i know now who my friends. well i do have some friends online but thats besides the point. well i think they’re friends.my real “friends” are not friends at all. well i was in a circle of friends who split and had a conflict. its never good being on the middle, always being suspected of liking others more. you can never win. they arrnage with me to stay at holiday home one weekend. the six of us. and we were to pay £25 each but i was told it was too late too hand money in and it was cancelled. and for the other 5 to say they have other plans so they couldnt make it anyway. i suspected otherwise. i met one in town on the day it was “supposed” to be on and he had a travel bag. he siad he was going to liverpool for the weekend. but i knew where he was going. so the next week i went to an 18th where some friends of mine went but all because there was a bust up. i was told at this party that the others did go to the holiday home and only had to pay £10 each not 25. so if i went they have got me to pay half of it, letting people be payed for with my money while they said to get last bus to the holiday home and tell me i cant stay there. leaving me stranded on the other side of the island if i went.
this is because they got a new gay best friend. who arranged it all. and the people who went thought “ we onl need onr gay freind” i was told they treat me as if im a pet. get obred of one throw it out and get another. this only suceeding because i’m easily walked all over. well fuck that im gonna take a stand agianst it all from now on.
i’m not gonna hang with them no more.
there is one more thing. it bothers me too much. if you like someone, what do you do (without getting on his nerves) to tell him that he is on your mind, with out sounding like he dosent want you too.
and also where is a good place to stay in london, if i ever decide to visit.
that curtain is annoying me*gets up to straighten it* better
poem
fire in the gates of hell
hurts you’re body mind as well
no one sees it as a threat
the devil sees no rules set
when he gains his power
fire will rain down like a shower
all on earth will be lost
except all places covered in frost
men of all sizes will rush there
alone or with women they share
god has no power over the rain
like a lion with with an overgrown mane
once they set foot on ice
empires will rise not once, but twice
conflict is what satan wanted most
to the world he is no host
he killed off all gods works
in the shadows a hero lurks
when one day he raises and stops satans powers
the earth will forever spring flowers
be once and whole again
all will be well and all the men
will gather to build what was destroyed
and once again we’ll all be employed
peace will reign all the lands
beaches will glisten with their sands
no devil could come back
and gods will is a forgotten track
now all men believe in themselves
religion is not known on any bookshleves
i made that up as i went along.
made me feel soo much better. nothing like a bot creativity to cheer me up
Last modified: Monday, February 27th, 2006 at 1:05am
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