Freakcity

Lloyd
I don't want anybody else..

message blog

Reflection of a madman

Lets start from the very beginning shall we?

Right, the day I finally came to realise I was gay was a week after my 17th birthday. I was living with my grandma at that time. Lying back in bed, trying to get some sleep, I was just thinking of my future, getting married, having kids, being rich and famous, when a thought ran through my head. “Why didn’t I have a girlfriend? Why Don’t I want one? Why the hell am I still a virgin? And Why do I not find women attractive at all?” I started thinking again, trying to find what I did find attractive, when I realised that no, it certinally was not women… it was men. I do remember I sat up in bed in a cold sweat, and whispered to myself ‘Ho my god.. I’m gay”. Then stopped, and lay back down, plotting. I have always known that my family will never accept it if one of their sons turned out gay, and the way I saw it, I was adopted anyway (or so I had thought at the time), so it shouldn’t be so hard at all. But telling them right at that moment would be silly, I realised. I need their money and they’re filthy rich. So, I’ll wait.

I had a plan. In two years, if I still don’t feel anything for women, I’ll go out there and be as gay as I can be. Then, I will keep my life private, I will pull myself away from them, I will keep things hidden, I will make them not think I am part of the family anymore. Then, 7 years after that, when I have had my degree and living on my own and am capable of surviving on my own, I’ll tell them. I’ll tell them and they’ll disown me but not feel sorry or bothered at all because I’m not really their son, just some flawed kid anyway, and they won’t be hurt by it at all, and the only one who will be hurt and sad will be me. But I wouldn’t care, because its just a silly emotion anyway and doesn’t govern my life. Then I’ll fall in love, get married, adopt (maybe), grow old, die happy, and not ever need them anymore. I made all this when I was 17, lying on my bed, the shock of being gay passing away. Then I smiled and went to sleep.

Two years later, I was still very gay, and not only that, had come to the conclusion that I not only liked men, but I like big beared sometimes older men as well. Joy. Great, I have to come out a second time now. Yay. So, a week after my 19th birthday, I said ‘to hell with it’ and entered the gay world, to see what it was all about. I must say, In the last two years (more so the last year that I’ve known you guys) I have had the time of my life! I have always thought that I loved being gay. Its fun, informative, you meet all the cool people, the good usually outweighs the bad, and its helped me become more communicative to everyone else around me (except my family). I love it. The opinions of my family be damned, I thought, I’m not giving this up for anyone.

Well yesterday it all came crashing down around my Ears.

It started Saturday night. I ended up heading over to scott after D&D to hopefully get the kate bush bumper MP3 from him to listen too, (that woman is possessing my soul! I cant get her out of my head. I hear her everywhere! I’ve ended up buying the old greatest hits album and I kept playing it around the house till my cousins scratched it horribly… I am obsessed! SOMEBODY HELP ME!), and ended up staying the night. Called my mom and told her, and she said she wanted to see me the next day, and that there was something she wanted to tell me about. When she inquired where I was, I said I was at a friends…

“guy friend or girl friend”

“Mom… guy friend”

“Are you two… you know..”

“MOOOOOOM!”

“ok ok sorry I asked.”

Anyway, the next day, I headed off to home (after doing my best to scare off Steve, the new boyfriend of mogwai<

Random Thought: "Ha. that wasn’t so hard, now just to keep it up for another 40 years and then she’ll be gone! yay!"

Last modified: Friday, March 20th, 2026 at 8:04pm