Reclamation
I’ve tried to reflect on thoughts going through my mind recently. You know, the ones that come to you in a flash that you can’t block out for love nor money, the ones that should turn your stomach but you keep reliving over and over, like rubbernecking an horrific car accident on the motorway...............well I’d hardly say it was that bad. Recently, with decisions about my future flinging themselves to the fore, I’ve been mulling over how things are going to pan out – my life, my future jobs, moving house, my life with Nigel etc etc – and I think I’ve been getting ‘wedding jitters’
I, like several people here, analysed my existence til it turned my brain inside out. I made a concious decision to not only stop publicising, but completely shutting down that thought process – it was bad for my health. It may not be for everyone, but for me, going over old ground was not good.
I started to get on, stop wallowing in my own self-pity and Ptolematic thoughts. Life got better. As long as I had my own little release that wasnt physically harmful to me (mine was drinking, some people its drugs, some people its self-harm etc) then I could carry on without that over-analysis hanging over my head, and trust me, as an analyst (a proper one, not one that just fixes broken PCs 😜 )I had a tendency to do just that.
My new release was having some time on my own, and we’re talking a few days here, but being able to re-integrate myself when necessary – and I took to it like a duck to water. The DIY takes my mind off the storms that have gathered in my mind since conciousness struck at the age of 11.
With the new choices in my life path, I suddenly find myself staring at losing my only release – having time alone. I’m not sure how much Nigel will be able to understand it, and although I have mentioned it to him and he nods in the right places, I still am distancing myself from the day where my brain realises it cannot escape the confines of the body – I keep looking at it as I’m losing my freedom, and with all the positiveness previously I have viewed that day, I now find it comes with strings attached.
As long as I get my time, my time on here, my time to offload crap from my mind – I will be fine.
And what of my friends and family? Well if the non-philosophers can do it, then I should take a leaf out of their book and do the same.
I can’t wait to be in the country. It’ll suit my slowing mind better 😜
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 10:22am
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