Stalwart
I didn’t do it in the end.As soon as I had made the decision not to, I was relieved. I spend the whole morning waiting for someone to text me, anyone, as I needed to know that I wasn’t this bad person I have been telling myself that I have become.
I’m not a bad person – I’m just a little frustrated – and in more ways than one.
So I’ve had a me day today and I really needed it.
I washed up the mountain that has appeared in my kitchen, and flitted around the house like a moth, dancing from one room to the next in need of some kind of purpose. I cleaned this – I moved that – but in the back of my head was the need for someone to tell me that everything was going to be ok
The phone rang about 11ish
“Ello zir I am culleeng to lettunow abou thee grayt deeeels from 02.......”
Emailed TPS and MPS and complained.
Kirsty rang next and told me she didn’t want to go out and play today, Nicky also said he had made other plans, I blew JC out and felt crappy for it and then I waited for Nigel to call.
Apparently I phoned at 1am to tell him how much I loved him.
Who does this? Who is the bastard who keeps changing the decisions in my head when I’m not looking?
I made my boyfriend upset. I kept telling him how unhappy I was and no-one wanted to talk to me today, no-one wanted to be with Ian that Ian wanted to be with – and he got upset that he said that he did and that I, once again, hadn’t even acknowledged his existence, let alone his own pain
FFS why do I keep doing this? What is wrong with me? Can I not even be happy with the only person who wants to sit and be with me forever? Nearly two years I’ve fought and struggled to get him, fought with my insecurities and fought with my insanities, fixed this, broke that, abused my body and my brain until this lifeless shell grows new feelings once the alcoholic haze has subsided.
Why?
Eight days. Eight days now and my fate is sealed. I will have no job, a proper live in boyfriend and happiness forever.
*ds sniggers and goes to bed*
PS I did online shopping at tesco and spent over £100 Woohoo! and I get to go and see Pam tomorrow – unfortunately I’ll have a miserable miscreant in tow......tut tut
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 10:22am
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