Revolution
So.....This might be my last regular update for a while.
In a couple of hours, N will be home for good, and as seen as we’re both unemployed/able, I hope we don’t end up getting on each other’s nerves too much. My trauma and ecstasy for this day and it’s implications have been all too plain to see, and I hope it goes well. The last time I had a live-in lover, it was over in eight months.
Saying that tho, we managed alright last winter, and he opened up a lot more to me, which I think I (and we) needed. I hope I open up a bit more too, I can be all too secretive sometimes and my true feelings often come out in seismic waves, tho over the years, I feel I’ve got better at expressing myself, and when I’m not happy with things
...to others, my self-expression is all too obvious, and writing here, it’s very very easy to be all too obvious. Each entry is usually a summary of the day, 24 hours (and more) fit into 5-10 minutes of typing, and only the juicy bits ever make it to words.
Looking back at some of the things I’ve written, it has made me laugh, cry, think and regret. That’s what I wanted it to do. I have never kept any sort of diary before, and being human, it’s all too easy to forget those moments which seem pivotal at the time. Writing this helps me recall what I did then, and maybe what I’d do different if it happened now.
I’ve got a list of things I’ve left drift until I wasn’t working (it comes off the tongue all too easy, it’s scary!) a couple of bills, a couple of bits and bobs need sorting, fixing, doing around the flat, some people I really should go and see, but most of all, I get to learn again why I chose to be with the man I’m with – because recently I’ve been in danger of forgetting, and as soon as my mind is made up, then I don’t go back – it was slowly sliding that way, and to be honest, if he wasn’t coming home this side of November, I would seriously be thinking about where we stood as a couple.
It’s not been easy. Last year was awful. We had recently met, I was still with my ex, and within a couple of times of us meeting, I knew that he could be the one. I grabbed at the chance with both hands (oo-er!) and he squirmed free – he had just accepted a job offer to work in the Peak District for a year – I was heartbroken.
As we didn’t know each other, I could say nothing, and just watch him go. It was the shittiest emotion I have ever felt and one that will never leave me, regardless of what happens now.
I kept at it. More so than he. He just slept for weeks. I travelled the most horrendous journeys on public transport just to spend two days with him. When he did come back, he would always stay with his parents. I was bewildered as to why. I followed him around like a lost child for the whole year and it wasn’t until we got back from a week’s holiday that he actually told me that he had really strong feelings for me.
The winter came. His brother had just split up from an 8 year marriage and had to go back to the family home, which I think is still one of the reasons we are still together. With his own house rented out, he could only stay with me – a stroke of luck, and he wasn’t exactly moaning about it.
It was a magical time. I just became happy again. By February he was gone.
I was gutted. Although we had been together for over 9 months, we had only spent a fraction of that together, and the ensuing “nothingness” that filled my life after he left the first time nearly knocked me off the rails. I cried constantly for a month, and I have only summarised this to him recently. On so many occasions, I could have just said “no” and stopped it all – I didn’t know at the time that I was the one holding the cards. I just bumbled my way through from June to September – the longest and most eventful months of my life, and they have been this year too, but for very different reasons.
He started coming back, every weekend to come and see me. Not once this year has he not. It’s given<
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 10:22am
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