Solace
SoI am quasi-single after all these years. I am also near-doubly-employed. I am at my nadir of health – physical and mental and i am sitting in between a bathtub and a sewing machine
It seems I have no privacy or solitude like I have feared all these years and I can take it no more.
Life is about calculated risks and being a statistician I should know that already
N and I have unofficially broken up. The constant rowing, the ever-growing neglect from both parties, and the fact that I’ve been lazing along in a safe, yet uninspiring relationship has not helped. Nor the fact that I’ve been seeing a Gastroenterologist for the past fortnight.
My work life is making me ill, being batted about between idiot staff, mad users and angry trustees and then coming home to washing plates, trips to compost bin and back, and replacing what seems to be the floor of noahs ark of a bathroom – I am not surprised.
And whats the alternative? Move into my own place? Sorry – my sister is there. She has bleached one carpet, put fag burns in another, blown 78% of my light-fixings, broken a toilet, a radiator, a washing-machine, a doorbell. Even my niece managed to detach a light fixing.
It dawned on me recently that I have had quite a lot of work responsibility since i was about 22, not the acting manager of a local branch of Thresher’s responsibility, but a reall job with real clout as others seemed to think I could do the job and had maturity beyond my years. At the time I maybe thought so. But now I know I do, I know now I didn’t then at all. I really havent enjoyed myself enough – alcohol induced episodes aside. I don’t have children or any huuuuge debts. Why I am I sitting at home all day feeling blue and keeping Croft Manor in business?
There seems to be no escape. When that happens – Implode or Explode – we’ll take care of you.
Well I feel at the moment I’m imploding like a black hole. I look at N who knows I am all at sea, but seems unwilling to help, and I’m draining his “happiness battery” and I can’t lie to him any more.
As for the doctor; I’m not rushing anything. He’s rather eager, but very much my type – a hardworking working-class intellectual with odd foibles, a nice hairy chest, pecs to die for, and we can laugh about continuity errors in The Prisoner, and lovely lips.....
It was suggested a few days ago by a group of my friends that I maybe could have bi-polar disorder – I laughed lots. Now theres a case of the lunatics taking over the asylum. Answers a lot of things tho. But then again i could just have personality disorders.
I feel tho the pinata of life is giving me nothing at the moment, however hard I whack it. I just want to withdraw and set fire to something – maybe myself.
Most people in life long to be with someone who loves them, or do something that they’ve always wanted to do.
I don’t think I need that.
My family love me and I have friends who do to. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad catch I think 😉
I just find myself being too selfish to do what others want to do, yet am too placid to disagree. Herein lies the problem. I resent the world at large and I’ve had enough of it.
I’m tired of being me with all my problems – theyre all so insignificant and so gay.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m beginning to feel that I couldn’t give a shit if I didn’t wake up again.
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 9:52am
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