Cyanosis
I was supposed to go into work today and “welcome back” one of the ladies who I banned last month.I can’t be bothered. I’m losing my grip on everything around me.
I’ve been reading some of my previous journals and some of them struck a chord with me. I hadn’t recounted for a while. Excluding all the “off days” that are in there now and again, my happiness levels are very apparent over time. It makes me realise even more how shit I feel now – damn and it was supposed to make me feel better!
I did laugh tho. January 5th 2006 was one of the best I think and a few in the two or three months afterwards and the one about the dodgy flat that my sister now resides in, that the council pay for muahahahahahaha.
It still underlines the fact that those were the happy days. I hadn’t also noticed how long I had been feeling this way too, probably since quite early this year – coinciding with taking on another serious job again, but that maybe just coincidence. I did love this job at one stage. I have it in writing in a blog somewhere!
My fever seems to have abated somewhat, so I’m not wetting everywhere I sit anymore, but I do have this rather odd shrill cough. I sound a bit like a squeaky toy with a chest infection.
So at least something is improving.
As for the rest, well I’m working on it. I’ve had a few thoughts on what my short to medium-term goals to be – I just don’t want to go through what I know is going to be a few difficult months. I don’t want to go back to that flat if I have to. Maybe I should buy myself a proper house with a ground floor and everything!
Whatever happens I just have to stay focussed and remember how I’ve come to be where I am now and avoid as many mistakes as possible. I’m tired of this carbon-copy life I have. Everything for the past six months has been very cloak and dagger or lurching from intense to vague and back again. I need some stability for my head. It hurts a lot.
Now where are my drumsticks?
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 9:52am
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