Freakcity

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Bonfire of Profanities

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Bracing

The move to London fell flat – mainly because they weren’t paying anywhere near the money they promised to me – costs start mounting and me being me just gets dragged down with everything – one straw after the other. Instead of realising from the start that it was a non-starter, I just get caught up in all the hype and flashing lights. Then when it slowly constricts me, leaving me gasping for breath, I just let go – run away – hide myself.

And that is what I have done.

Here I am, back in Wellingborough making all sorts of promises to myself on the train ride home that will all disappear when the wine comes out. Out of a job, completely disinterested in getting another and I really don’t give a monkeys.

I’m also unnerved by the current state of my new relationship. T and I have been going out together for 3 months now. Yesterday we went to the GUM clinic to get everything all checked out – move onto another phase of the relationship, so to speak. But there is something in my head that isn’t quite right – I never feel relaxed when I’m around him – I’m always on edge, but that said, I’m always on edge.

I feel that I will ruin it. I can feel myself restraining from saying odd things, doing odd things, being all smothery. If someone did that with me then I would certainly be turned off quite quickly. Alas I cannot seem to hold myself together very well.

Madness seeps out of this cracked mind.

Does he want me? Why is the attention intermittent? Is it a mindfuck? Is it just a big stupid game?

I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know how to behave. I don’t know what gives me pleasure. I don’t know where I’m going. I just amble about with either a look of anguish or anger

I mean, I do normal things – walks in the park, watching the football, sex, socialising – but it all seems a bit pointless. A holiday has been suggested – but I’d rather just sit in this chair doing not much. My memory is terrible. I don’t know whether thats drink, boredom or just plain stupidity. I know I’ve had good sex recently. I felt it at the time. But I can’t recall it now. I find myself in a room in the house not knowing why I am there or how long I’ve been there.

I’ve also had another bout of tonsilitis and that is weighing on my mind. I’ve had 6 bouts of it in 8 months and I’m getting to the stage where I am fearful of feeling sick again, which no doubt is making things worse. Each time it takes a bit more out of me – Each time takes a bit longer to get better again.

My doctor says “never mind – have some tablets” I say no thank you. Please take my tonsils out as being bedridden for two out of every four weeks feeling as though you are being disembowled from the inside out is not very pleasurable.

After saying all this, though, I don’t feel as morose as I have been – just a little disheartened. I shouldn’t be. I’m a clever man with a roof over my head, a bit of spare cash, a nice fella, and friends and family who support me. Maybe its having all of that that makes me abuse it so.

I’ve taken some big decisions and I’ve not ended up where I wanted to be. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows.

I just feel a bit personalityless at the moment. The time I spent with N I know I’ve changed – from a caterpillar into a butterfly and then into this dusty old moth. The beauty and sparkle that life had two years ago has exploded and whats left is this unfit, unwell drunk. I don’t want it anymore, but there is nothing at the moment that is drawing me away from it with any fervour.

So do I tread water and hope things improve? Or do I did about 2 months ago and try to initiate it myself?

I just want to find myself again. I want to love being me again.

Random Thought: Garlic Fingers

Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 9:52am