Sometimes
Sometimes some things can be shit, sometimes everything can be shit. I think today started as the former, and ended in the latter.I knew I had a project I had to crack on with when I got into work, and that I needed to leave at 3:30pm... so I put on my headphones and cracked on for most of the day, not really stopping other than to cram food in my gob and reply to a couple of emails. All seemed well, I’m finding it a little easier to concentrate at the moment.
The afternoon rolled past and I headed home. The bus, as predicted, drove straight past me... so I called upon the mother unit for a lift home... then hopped in my own car and sped down to the hospital. I was informed that I’d be waiting there ages, but in some bizarre NHS miracle, I was seen within 10 minutes.
Unfortuantely, this involved having a rather stern Russian looking lady telling me to sit, then poking my arm, taking three samples of blood, and then yonking the needle out and leaving me bleeding with a sore arm. El Bitcho. Plus she wore too much blusher. Whore.
I had a couple of hours to kill before I was due at Sean’s but traffic was being a fucker, so I decided to stop at Sainburys inbetween Walthamstow and Chingford to see what they had to offer, whilst babbling to Owen on the phone about random stuff. Ended up buying two ice trays shaped like little fishies with eyeballs and all, some scented candles (just coz...), and some food shaped stuff.
The food shaped stuff turned into fusilli with chicken ina lovely sauce and some focaccia on the side. I gobbled mine in the blink of an eye, then retreated to the kitchen for a glass of wine with Des and Mark because the evil land lord was over. I ended up helping the evil land lord move a new fridge upstairs whilst Sean finished his dinner, bugger that did not help my already hurting arm.
Food was nice, I was in a so so mood, and then it all nose dived. Sean was being all hyper and cutesy, and for some reason I just wasn’t interested. We started watching Treasure Planet and he was soon all over me, and I ended up brushing him aside. From there I realised I needed to say something, he was in a mood, I was practically silent.
So, I said it. I said it wasn’t working. We went through another discussion about it, and I mentioned that although he felt a resolution in our last chat, I hadn’t found one. I’m unsure of what I want at the moment... I know I feel for and care for Sean, an awful lot for some of the things I’ve been around for. I just, I don’t know if he is the person I want to be partners with.
Sean was in tears, and if anything I feel more depressed now than I did then, leaving him as upset as that was incredibly difficult, but he needed space, and there’s nothing I could have said to make it go away.
Sat on my bed drinking the last of my port finish whiskey, feel like bashing my head against the wall. If I care about him then why do I feel like he irritates me when I am around him some of the time? If I don’t want to be with him then why do I feel so depressed at the thought of not being with him?
Questions I need to answer, and answers I need to find... and soon. I can’t be fucking him around, or myself 😐
Last modified: Thursday, June 18th, 2026 at 3:38am
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