Last night’s musings
Sat outside a café in Soho, latté to my right, ashtray to my left. What has changed?I used to think London would claim my last breath, just as it gave me my first. But lately, — I dunno. Been getting wanderlust. Been thinking that perhaps I just don’t belong here.
I used to have all the answers, but what’s the point if no one listens? Truth is subjective, get too close to the question and it changes.
Perhaps I am experiencing a crisis of faith, which is troublesome as I built it. I know I have made sacrifices since giving up the drink, sacrifices I’m not sure many would understand, sacrifices that were necessary to bridge the gap in defences I created. I am no longer close to anyone, but it bothers me how little I actually care. I thought it would matter to me more.
If I carry on down this route, badness will ensue. But I’ve always wanted to experiment...
Just bumped into Kris – apparently has a photoshoot with Leo DiCaprio’s photographer next week. He won’t need me soon*sniffle*
I have a new working drive in Pixel. I have a working phone line. I have a lot of work to do and tonight I have a choice. Lose myself online or lose myself in the dance.
I have an urge not to go home tonight. In night time heat reminiscent of cascais I sit on the road sipping coffee and watching the world. The world doesn’t watch back. I am invisible. I slide into the background. I shall only be recognised by action alone.
Alone.
I choose it because it terrifies me. I want nothing again to have that power over me.
Last modified: Tuesday, February 17th, 2026 at 2:43am
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