Proposed Bristol Stool Chart extension
It covers both solids and liquids, but it doesn’t take an armchair physicist to to note that gases are conspicuously absent from it’s scale.Type 8: touched cloth. A watery cloud of not quite dry leakiness that may plague the emittee after a night’s binge drinking in Essex. One of the main reasons Essex girls carry a pair of clean knickers, not, as more commonly believed, because they’re all slags.
Type 10: Trumpeting, a loud and proud sound that whilst it doesn’t really have any olfactorial properties, really sounds like it should do. Best for comedy office use as it balances volume and depth with smell and the perpetrator won’t annoy their boss too much.
Type 12: Almost inaudible, but the olfactory equivalent of a small bomb. Known by its colloquialism “silent but deadly”, has been known to wilt nearby houseplants. Definitely the best type to provide in a lift whilst looking sternly at someone else.
So what do I need to do now? Send it to a journal for peer reviewing, right?
S x
Last modified: Monday, February 16th, 2026 at 11:56pm
mogwai - Sunday, October 31st, 2010 at 5:58pm