Freakcity

Swan

Can break your arm with their wing. A fact that everyone ever seems to know, but do you know anyone who has ever had their arm broken by a swan’s wing? Do you? No? I thought as much.

Reading

A place that everyone has heard of, but no-one can point out on a map

Farscape

An utterly silly but really rather good sci-fi series from a couple of years ago. Staring the lovely Ben Browder and Claudia Black.

Shaina Twain

An excellent addition to my CD collection; move over Madonna!

Yes, I believe she is, Gaz.

Sixpence/Half-a-Crown

A Phrase my father uses when his anal ring goes into spasm

Absinthe

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Monsters

Scary muthafucka things that hide in wardrobes and under beds.

ajax

Mythical Greek warrior god, hero at battle of Troy, who became jealous after missing out on Achiles' prized armour, went mad (something to do with cows), and killed himself.

Gymnos

club for men who like to swim naked. sexuality not important, a nudist club. Frequented by members of OUT on Saturdays and Mondays in different pools.

hedgehogs

evil prickly animals!

cats

The most autistic of animals apart from humans.

Titan

f-z: total werido freak

sunin

sunin> only TheDude can do stuff with my dick entry

Limerick

There was a young maiden from Clare

Who heaved up her breasts on a dare

Her corset that night

Wasexcedingly tight

But I’m gay, so I don’t really care

veganism

The art of eating only mung beans and scones without cream. And scones.

Vegans can have explosive wind. I suspect TJ is a closet vegan

Alan Parker

Top director. Directed films such as:

The Wall, Birdy, Evita, Mississippi Burning, The Commitments, The Road to Wellville.

Prior to moving into film, Alan was noted as one of London’s most talented advertising copywriters. He worked for the Collet Dickinson Pearce (CDP) ad agency in the 1960’s and early 1970’s, and began directing his own tvc scripts in their basement. Formed a partnership with David Puttnam as his producer (Puttnam had been a photographers agent), and left CDP to become a full time director of commercials before moving onto features. – IMDB

Fugly

see aslo www.fugly.com

Music

Anything by a former Spice Girl. 😉

Citizens Advice

85 bureaux in London and around 750 across the UK. Can’t get through on the telephone? Well they are charities and the advice is free, staffed by volunteers and funded out of your Council Tax by your local authority who keep chopping their grants budgets.

Advice available on line. OR go and volunteer!

Gregg Araki

Deeply cool director responsible for, amongst other things, Totally F***ed up and Mysterious Skin

typing

The thing that makes freakcity work. It’s really quite a clever invention which Scott, its inventor, feels could help the human race. Now if only Scott could find a way of stopping the aubergine going off so quick...

Horticulturalist

Brian Sewal

theElusivePossum

A creature one would be lucky to see, hence “elusive”. See also “Hide the Sausage”. I’m smashed right now – Happy Birthday ß moi.

Kermit’s Mouth

Slang for the shallow hinged flap of scrotum and nerve endings surgeons approximate for a vagina in male to female transsexuals. Sex with such an organ is said to be akin to ‘pushing your foot into a shoe which has had the toe stuffed with paper’.

Point Pleasant

Co-created by Marti Noxon of Buffy fame – bizarre story about the daughter of the devil washed up on a beach in Point Pleasant, NJ

Bacon

the king of meats

darjeeling

What Australian drivers from West London do when the A40’s chocka. They “dodge Ealing.” (Aussie accent required)

life

1) The act of being alive

2) Doing things, "Haveing a life"

owen

Pervert. Usually behaves unless left near gin for too long. Often seen naked in public but quite harmless (unless left near gin too long ;))

We love him though 😁

chav

YUMMA

Hugs

mistyped Jugs

NatWest

"The clocks go back on Sunday. All of our ATMs will be out of service whilst our crack team of engineers race around the country in special cars to reset all their internal, state-of-the-art, digital watches..."

self-worship

Saves anyone else the trouble

Brian Haw

All round groovy guy who Scott met at the demos against the Iraq War in 2003

When he started in June 2001, Mr Haw, a father of seven from Worchestershire, had only a few signs bearing the names of young children who had died as a result of economic sanctions on Iraq. He supplemented these with carefully painted banners pointing out to both the politicians and the public the huge suffering that the sanctions policy, supported by the UK government supported, inflicted on the people of Iraq.

Over the months, people began to visit him and bring placards they themselves had made. With the events of 11 September 2001 and the declaration of the ‘war on terrorism’, Brian’s protest grew in size and reputation. He has had numerous visitors from all over the world, many leaving placards with messages of peace, helping to create what is now a powerful display which challenges the government’s foreign policy. The international media have broadcast his message around the world in documentaries, news reports and interviews.

In October 2002 he won a major legal victory when the High Court refused to grant an injunction to Westminster Council to remove him from Parliament Square. The judge ruled that Mr Haw was exercising his right to freedom of speech and the pavement obstruction was not unreasonable.

Mr Haw said, “I have had the people of the world on this pavement. Peace is more popular than Parliament.”

He added "Contrary to the hopes of the government that protest will end now that the war on Iraq is said to be over, I will not go away. Its not over for people in Iraq – thousands more of the people are now dead and the occupiers are still there. I feel so incensed – we are talking about dropping bombs on people, on murdering people. Its not enough to say we don’t mean to – it doesn’t make it alright. And the murderers are allowed to profit from

their crimes. How can humanity, the world, allow this blatant smash and grab?

“They went ahead no matter how much people protested and we are now being asked to just accept it. I can’t accept it. Here is a picture of a little girl with the back of her head blown off. All you have to do is put yourself in the place of this girl’s parents. They will never thank us for ‘liberating’ them. And now we have ‘saved’ them, we are selling them water.”

For more information contact:

Emma Sangster on [email protected]

Brian Haw can be visited in Parliament Square at any time.

cats

dogs believe they’re human

cat’s believe they’re GOD

Jowdy

A jovial “howdy”

23

The number of the beast.

cheap fags

Lambert and Butler stink

Echelon

A strange beast that has a snail for a mother and a chameleon for a father

Not to be confused with the Lesser-spotted Bidet

Alien babies

Babies, from aliens... they tend to pop out of your chest and make cute squealing noises until you fall on the floor like a dead thing.

Massage

some strange form of s&m!

HIGNFY

Have I Got News For You. Comedy, satire, “fuck me” shoes and far too much Boris Johnson. What’s not to love?

decunted

or deacon-ted in wales where people are just strange.

The word to express that awful feeling one gets after a long nap under the ralisation that having not slept the night before. you had been a cunt all day long to everyone. Much grovelling usually ensues at this point and once reunited with friends, you can officially say that you have been decunted.

nothing to do with being cunted though, thats for silly people who take drugs and shag gnomes.

Lennymonster

bass playing, vinal spinning, earphone wearing, fiat driving, robinsons fruit barley drinking, chav lovin'... LENNYMONSTER!!!

Big Finish

waiting for him to explode cum inside you.. sadly often a real anti climax

Opera

The web browser from Norway.

Firewall

Something, usually a dedicated device, that sits on the cable between you and the evil Interweb and stops nasty packetses from getting to your machine.

Compare with Packet Filter, a piece of software you bought (*cough* illegally stole) that claims to be a “Firewall” but really sits on your machine and tries to stop Windows noticing the nasty packetses.

chocolate

the friend of women everywhere...

"I’ve got the painter in.. buy me a large sized Fruit & Nut"

Kitten-on-a-stick

Evil and cruel. Penalty for BBQ kittens on sticks is instant death.

spiders

Scary as fuck. Look at them, they’re evil little bastards!

Papaya

also know as a Paw Paw.

The juice of one slows down a dose of the shits.

Fox

Lawrence Fox. Latest in a long line of acting Foxes. Has a very appealing shower scene in the filmThe Hole

Custard

nice on spongue cake

Puberty

the cruelest of all Gods creations

History

What the man gives after the wifey gives hers

IQ

Status to show how smart you are. Or something. 100 being average, 200 being Einsiten. I have 75.... thats bad right?

pages.videotron.com/knox/2004election.jpg

brew up

To harbour anal feculance for time until noxiousness can no longer be contained

Q

Spike Milligan at his finest or worst

Scott

Fantastically friendly and helpful bloke

Ajax

Dutch football team

Popstarz

Uber cool gay indie club where all the cute little indie boyz hang out in their t-shirts and ties.

Run by the fantastic Mr. Hobart (well, I’ve never actually spoken to him but I am sure he must be fantastic to have come up with a club night as good as this).

Er...did I mention that its fantastic?

music

Something that should be free

Metro

A rust bucket that should have never left the production line, some alas, still on the road.

Ghey

A “cool” and/or “trendy” way of saying the word Gay.

choke the chicken

To wring the neck of some annoying young gay man

Clubbing

Shaking ones behind to a beat in a club

David Blunkett

Cunt

assfull

it is how i like it

drunktards

The kind of person who goes out with you for a drink and as the night progresses you realise that the evening to them is more about an excuse to have a drink than your company. Is that harsh? 😇

Brussel sprouts

Also known as 'The Devil’s Own Vegetable'. Green things boiled to mush and served up as something you can eat – I mean c’mon!!!

vanilla

From Spanish vainilla, diminutive of vaina, from Latin vagina.

Horticulturalist

You can take a whore to culture but you can’t make her think- Dorothy Parker

CheeseToastie

mmmm cheese toastie

sqeap

The 10" wonder...

yope

For when you’re not sure if you should say “yes” or “no”.

“Do you love my new shoes?”

“Uh. Yope?”

dune

large lump of sand

dogging

When straight people found what gay guys were upto. They’ll be tea-bagging next.

ecstasy

Powerful psychadelic drug favoured by clubbers. It is vitally important you avoid using this drug in G-A-Y, else you may end up having a potent spiritual experience involving Rick Astley.

In common with all hallucinogenics, long-term use of ecstasy won’t make you addicted, but it will make you very dull.

Daily Nail

Like the Daily Mail but it knows it’s a load of dren.

Zoom

new Low Cost direct sell airline from the UK- Canada

Blossom

Half hour american comedy tv show broadcast from 1991 to 1995. Notable for having a young horse in the lead role.

plethora

Many many many things

lady grey tea

Beware of middle-aged women bearing Lady Grey in Islington supermarkets.

camping

Something we do often here on freakcity. Yay!

DIY

A pastime responsible for the creation of widows and orphans across the nation.*I’m a fully un-qualified electrician. If you need your plugs or lights doing – I’m your man*

Conversationalists

The longest anagram in the English language

see Conservationalists

Buckingham

A small town with a large bypass.

Never managed to actually to get into it

I don’t think I’m missing much

Tim Minear

Wrote for Angel and Firefly. Then went off to create Wonderfalls, an amazingly cool show which was predictably cancelled after less than a whole season

bacon sandwiches

Not Kosher

WASP

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

thinking

The ability to consider and examine one’s environment and self, and articulate a rational, sound and appropriate response. See ‘Prince Philip’ for contrary example.

t-bag

Bizzare kids tv show from the 80s.

G-A-Y

fantastic place where pure cheese is played..

RFQS

Reduced For Quick Sale.

Scott's Somerfield has an interesting concept in stock control. Order too much of everything, then sell half of it reduced. Makes for interesting eating 😉

Negligent

A man who wears lingerie

Internet, Stabbed in the face over the

“Stabbed in the face over the internet”

A term of endearment used lovingly by the Deev towards many a computer company world wide. Originally believed to come from some site called www.bash.org. And not from stuii at all.

"<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i’m going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet"

infidelity

The act of siding with the "infidels"

Cannabis

No idea, not a clue, never heard of the stuff, m’lud.

St. Albans

Some place I stopped off at on a coach to be sick. I remember it had nice houses tho.

blue curaco

bloody delcious blue liquor which i import in the dozens from spain

wendys

A north american fast food chain who specialise in burgers.

Procrastinating

I am champion at this.

G-A-Y Bar

The only bar I’ve ever been to which had a queue to get in.

fanny batter

Crusty remains of woman juices surrounding the vag after a very heavy sesh. Not to be eaten with chips.

Libretto

Small laptop invented by Toshiba in the 1990s. Ickle cute things with 640x480 and then 800x480 screens, tiny amounts of ram and baby ickle hard drives. Designed to run Windows 95 and about the size of a book. Scott’s one lives in his bookshelf.

Alimentary

what Holmes said to Watson

cop

Verb. 1. To commune with someone sexually desirable, occasionally in so much as having sex. An abbreviation of ‘cop off.’

2. To take. E.g.“Cop hold of this hammer whilst I get the spanner.” Also Cop this! – a facetious remark said immediately prior to an aggressive act.

3. A policeman/woman. Abb. of ‘copper’. [Mid 1800s/Orig. U.S.]

Adj. Value, worth. Heard in expressions such as ‘no cop’ or ‘any cop’.

carrots

Vile

naked

Her eyes melted when she tried to undress you with them.

Igster

Dick

Taxi Driver’s Stop-Line

The pedestrian crossing 8ft in front of traffic lights where taxi drivers think they should stop on red.

license

For use on the internet. To prove that you can drive a web browser and participate in online_forums without threatening to beat up everyone else taking the piss out of your obviously lame ideas

Wrist Watch

Nighttime vigil in a particularly strict monastery

Computing

I have no idea.

Some company that I work for pays money into my bank account, and apparently this is because I work there.

I won’t mention it too often. They might stop paying me this money.

Q

always leftover on rack after a game of Scrabble... grrr!

C4

prototype for C5

jam

Twisted comedy series from the warped brain of Chris Morris – and therefore rather mirthsome.

Kylockophobia

Give you three wild guesses, dumbass

L S Lowry

Not to be confused with Lowri Turner, the homophobic television presenter who just seems to have been in the public’s eye since the beginning of the 20th Century.

a

Letter before ‘B’.

Blair

Thatchers brain in new bodywork!

Mottram-in-Longdendale

Lowry lived there for a while. he found it depressing

Alcohlexia

The utter failure to be able to type on a forum after a couple of gins. As yet, no real means of translation unless you know the offender personally and can pester them during their crushing hangover as to what it meant.

SEE: www.freakcity.net/quotes.asp?quote=1042

Lesbians

As Queen Victoria correctly pointed out, there is of course no such thing as a lesbian.

Donnie Darko

Really interesting film, and made all the better coz I had to explain what happens to a 3rd year Media student who had seen it 3 times before!

infidelity

Crappy sound quality

Cyndi Lauper

Plagerised by Phil Collins

Pointillism

Pointless Pixelated Painting

Exercised by Georges Seurat, amongst others.

Midlands

Or like to be called both, depending on whom they’re talking to.

Computing

Strange weekly magazine.

Used to be about 3 different magazines mostly funded by Job ads. Then all the jobs went away and they all merged into one magazine called Computing.

It’s very thin these days, and dull, seems to consist mostly of public sector computing project cock-ups.

In order to qualify to receive it, you have to complete a seemingly endless series of questions. I just lied and put down that I have command of a 7 million a year budget on printer toner and that seemed to work.

WAGN

Now First Capital Connect.

retro

Funky lil' boozer for misfits. Location: 2 George Court, London – just off the Strand past Charing Cross. One of the licensees would be Wendy Has an upstairs bit too. Wednesday night is Kareoke: can be quite amusing.

UFO

Famous for the purple haired woman

Eggy

Sworn enemy of the mogwai.

Decaffeinated

I mean, what’s the bloody point!!

Dope

Class C hallucinogen with varying degrees of potency, with a wide range of effects, many of which include laughter-induced incapacity and the occasional generation of truly hilarious insights – which are generally lost amidst the vast amount of crap which is also spouted.

While not terribly addictive, excessive dope use can – unfortunately – make you watch QVC in the mistaken belief that it’s a form of brilliant yet surreal comedy.

ZZZZZ

Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.

fap

The noise of a single stroke of a male masturbation.

Avocado

makes a BLT sandwich a BLAT

Toadstool

Frogs explode if they sit on these illegally

camp queens

A nice place to visit if you just happen to be carrying a tent in the middle of New York

Brokeback Mountain

A film which everybody likes despite being about two guys in love

Antidisestablishmentarianism

The philosophy of being against sepperating the powers of the Church and the State

Doe

A deer, a female deer (possibly)

smoking

EVIL

cyberpunk

Noun. A nonconformist advocate of modern technology, especially such a user of the Internet.

Tanqueray

I am the one and only, nobody I’d rather be. I am the one and only, you can’t take that away from me.

Oh yes.

kniting

You know, I actually have no ide

elf

'elf.

The 'elf (as in National 'elf)

National institution devoted to the sick and dying, manned (sorry personned) by a few Doctors and Nurses and a vast army of Bureaucrats.

Undermilkwood

A play that’s very odd by Dylan Thomas. Now theres lovely!

Photographer

former ID of OUT event organiser Jason E, now left OUT. Have had my photographic style called “Post Modern Readers Wives” – make of that what you will, but I enjoy it and I love seeing my purple wall over the 'net.

northampton

body modification

the habit of poking bits of metal through yourself mostly

Web

Network of highly extensible protein threads (stronger than steel) produced by spiders, tends to affect the lifespan of the house fly.

Blair

Cnut of the highest order. Thatcher in drag.

fun stuff

Stuff that is fun

Q

A damn fine radio station which plays all the best choons!

furries

See furry

zaphod beeblebrox

Hoopy travelling dood with two heads.

furry muff

Fair enough.

Gin (with tonic

“little top up”.

"That’ll keep the mosquitos at bay there"

Spod

The best word to use to refer coloquially to a “potato” if your “u” key’s broken

Subgenius

The greatest religion ever revealed or the greatest joke ever told or both, or something else.

'... and so the Skull farmer threw the dead prarie squid out the window and said “If that’s your Johnson rod then what’s in the refridgerator?”'

mums

When you’re not feeling too well, no matter how old you are, or how much you think you’ve outgrown it, your mum is always there to cook you up some nice dinner and get you a rate nice cup o' coffee to cheer you up.

And why is it that you can never put on pillow cases or quilt covers as well as your mum?

I think that until the day I die I will still not be able to put on a pillow case without the pillow falling out of it after a few hours. And whenever I put my duvet in a fresh cover it seems to have migrated over to one side of it within minutes.

But when mums do it they have magic staying power. They can go for days without a sign of movement and still have that fresh-bedding feel. It’s some sort of mystical mum-power or something.

Mums are great.

schism

Bit of a catchy situation whereby groups of opposing factions divide. Great Schism occurred between the Catholic Church in the 1300s, where at one point there were 3 concurrent Popes.

Melissa

16 year old girl in Texas whom you’ll want to talk to... really active likes having fun fun fun.... ADRENALINE IS HER MIDDLE NAME

dick

That rigid thing between your gaydar shags legs that is a substantial improvement on your boyfriends dangly one.

Doritos

Fake crisps. Inedible uncheesy toe-nail clippings.

keybuk

Is also Called scott! Ho the confusion!

Canteloupe

big melons..*titters in a Babara Windsor in Carry on Stylee!*

Oxmoron

Student at Oxford University who punts, has ££££'s worth of inheritance but generaly knows very little.

Think Timothy Twizzleton Twonk.

OJ

Orange Juice. The drink of the gods (or something. I blame Lloyd)

chocolate

fabulous confection, most likely to be found in my fridge, or in my desk at work. Not likely to last long

paganism

The definition of Paganism is regularly debated about by Pagans themselves.

No-one is really quite sure what Paganism actually is.

Broadly speaking, any non-christian, non-jew, non-muslim religious practise, although it is especially used to describe Earth-based matriarchal practises.

Fluffy

Like clouds on a summers day, or cotton wool, or someone who is lovely and generally nice

Kylie

Evil pop pixie sent to plague the people of Earth with awful rehashed pop crap

gay

See also, Chris

incontinent

An island.

barbican

short for Barbican Arts Centre, Silk Street, London near Moorgate. Jason organises events at the Barbican mostly cinema outings. If you ever need to find me – try the Waterside Cafe – I’m usually sat outside whatever the weather enjoying some peace and quiet.

willies

mens dangly bits

Tidying my room

Euphamism for Shaking coconuts off of the veiny love tree

eggy

The Religion of the Impossibly Stupid. These legions loyal to the God Eggus and the Holy Prophet St. Cadbury are alleged to share just one brain cell between them. (Although this is under debate as many single celled organisms which, when subjected to study have shown themselves to be vastly more intelligent). It is not known where this religion found it’s routes, but we all live in hope that someday a cure can be found for the debilitating stupidity that their form of worship brings on.

blue curaco

Nasty evil sticky substance that takes days to get off your skin when you host aBlues Brothers themed party at Fifer’s Lane residences.

And it’s Blue curaþao , dammit. 😊

siocled

Welsh for chocolate, used a lot by Owen because he has to concentrate on how to spell it in English

orlando bloom(ing lovely

he wore my shoes out once when he was at our flat

naked

Whatever happened to Louise Nurding?

JMS

Joe Michael Straczynski, creator of Babylon 5

Fruitbat

a rather disgusting (but strangely appealing) creature easily recognised by a musky aroma around it’s fingers.

Titan

Type of Bus

doctor who

See Daleks

doncaster

The birth place of John Parr, the guy who had a hit with 'St. Elmo’s Fire' in 1985.

freak

Take this test

www.outofservice.com/freak/

bonkle

Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the night, particularly at about five o’clock in the morning.

wendy

The branch of Taylor Woodrow that builds colourful houses for children

Gin (with tonic

Makes a summer’s day civilised.

Lay Lines

Transport routes that remind you of old shags

Work

*looks around*

Hey don’t ask me, I don’t know, ask him! *points at Scott*

Showgirls

Me and aconite

ninjas

Ninja Monks will keep law and order after the anarchist revolution.

cheap fags

Gay guys who do ANYTHING.. for a very low price

camping

Going on the gay scene

Aardvark

Animal that appears near the start of dictionaries.

Foo Foo

Get a dishtowel (or any kind of small towel) and a latex glove (the thin kind surgeons use, which can be found in many drug stores or hardware stores). Cut a hole in one of the fingers of the glove. Place the glove at the end of the towel on the side edge, and roll up the towel ù snug, but not tight. Stretch the opening of the glove around the towel to stabilize it, and put some sort of lube into it. Then thrust into it. To clean up, all you have to do is discard the glove ù but be sure to have plenty of extras, because you will love it! Reader improvement: Add 10 or 20 rubber bands on the towel at various parts, especially the entrance of the opening. It makes it tighter and feels a lot better and more realistic.

spiders

scary looking invertebrates with eight legs, lots of eyes and just a fuckin' creepy shitty look about them AAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH

cock

Noun. 1. The penis. [1400s]

2. A term of address, usually affectionate. E.g.“Right cock, that’ll be 46 pence please. Would you like it in a bag?”

3. Rubbish, nonsense.

Swansea

A rather nice city only famous for closed coal mines, the place where the M4 ends and where your driving licence goes to die

CTRL

that funny button on the keyboard that makes you do wonderful things and the push of a button.....and another button

Turntablism

To use turntables as a musical instument.

Mums

"...cordon rouge champagne... that’s far to good to waste on launching a silly old ship"

Oyster card

Touch-card set to replace normal travelcards on the london underground. With train tickets priced at last year’s prices.

Hightly proven to casue fits of joy to its First users

“wow... Lloyd you have to try this! It’s better than sex!” – unnamed gay guy

Milton Keynes

Place where I live right now that no one should ever come to as its a housing estate around a shopping centre! If you havent been before you’re not missing much, if you have then please join my support group and meet fellow MK Victims.

Fred

What you put froo a needle.

Cheese Toastie

One of the nicest and easiest to make foods on the planet.

Apply butter to two slices of bread. Slice/grate cheese onto one and sandwich them together. Grill for a few minutes (works well o na George Forman grill).

Really good with a dollop of ketchup on the plate to dunk in. Or moyannaise. But not both.

Sunday

Easy like Sunday mooooorrrnnniiiinngggg yeaaaahhhhh!

Mums

Aren’t they the best?

Shaina Twain

An imposter to the real music star SHANIA TWAIN. 😉

you people

Anyone who isn’t Scott. Usually used by him to take the piss somewhat in a way that he doesn’t entirely mean

Yorkshire

God’s own county

Wogan

Brought out annually to take the piss out of the Eurovision Song Contest

See Eurovision Song Contest

A Waste of Your Time

it was wasn’t it?

Air

French Band that I quite like

Sunday

Every day is like Sunday. Every day is silent and grey, in the seaside town that they forgot to pull down, come armaggedon, come armageddon, come...

Well...I did used to spend every summer in Southend 😡

naked

mmmm cute owen naked...

😄

dune

Usually found before the word Buggy.....apart from when in context of young mothers

dropping pork

Brewer’s droop

Llama

Woolly long-necked South American mammal, make great pets and look fab in a tutu. Very talented on rollerskates too, so I hear.

barenboim

Daniel. Genius who can weave music and politics, AND get to talk about it on prime-time Radio 4. Oh, and he’s a fab musician too.

Abertawe

See also Hell

furry

Filthy people who yiff each other night and day whilst under the mistaken impression that wearing a stupid bear suit makes them a bear.

botch

Verb. 1. To build or repair in a makeshift manner.

2. To do something badly.

Noun. 1. A makeshift construction or repair.

2. A thing done badly.

* All the meanings and uses of ‘botch’ are informal. Cf. ‘bodge’.

naked

Au Naturel.. the best way to live swim etc

scareglow

Evil version of skeletor from He-man toy series. He glows in the dark!

cock

male game bird.. eg Cockrel, PeaCock, Cock Pheasant

naked

c.f. Owen Blacker

Jampacker

Heterosexual

Adam Baldwin

Not nearly as sexy as Sean Maher... but a bloody great actor. Compare the coarse, unrefined Jane in Firefly with the suave, elegant Hamilton in Angel – I had to constantly remind myself they were played by one and the same bloke!

Smuttage

Pornography...

.....and lots of it

Baboonish

Me!!!

MusicMatch

MusicMatch Jukebox is one of the best media players around offering loads of features that others dont. AutoDJ, 800,000 song shop, mp3pro, skins, music library, portable device support, etc. Doesn’t yet support Ogg tho 😢 Scott's fave (apart from Winamp 5 :D)

Showgirls

Fantastic comedy about strippers and their life in the hellhole of Las Vegas. (Play the Showgirls drinking game by drinking every time Gina Gershon says Darlin' – it’s a great way to get very very drunk.) Pure trash as only the wonderful Paul Verhoeven can do it.

scottage

like Frottage, only with harder access...

dangleberries

Noun. Faecal remnants adherring to anal hairs.

Jaffa Cakes

Lovely orangey cakes made by someone. I prefer Morrissons own anyway.

Software Upgrade

Take old bugs and holes out put new bugs and holes in

Imperial Gunpowder

This tea comes from either China or Indonesia. It has a light, refreshing taste and a sweet aroma. Imperial Gunpowder is so called because the freshly plucked tea leaves are hand rolled in steel pans over an open fire. As the leaves are rolled they are shaped into tiny pellets or ôshotsö that ôexplodeö when boiling water is poured over them.

lady grey tea

The liquid that poured from Lady Jane Grey’s neck after she was beheaded

coffin dodger

see [Deev}

Ajax

good for cleaning the jacuzzi in my bathroom

you

One of the many voices in your head.

Cyndi Lauper

who i am A.K.A

Lamb

Tasty

bobdylan

Scary old man who can’t sing

ID cards

Eeeeevil. 😉

cigarettes

Bad for the elf (see elf)

Gin (with tonic

Whilst I can’t knock the G&T and find said delicious I think I should warn that to be protected from malaria by the quinine in a G&T one needs to drink enough to incurr liver failure. At least if you mix your G&Ts properly

online forum

Many many of these exist on the interwebnet. The first true types of online internet forums were the newsgroups (unless you count BBs, which were sorta almost the right things). Most forums last a little while and then explode in flames over the silliest of things. This hasn’t happened to Freakcity. Yet.

WASP

World Aquanaut Security Patrol

Munter

A woman of such hidious physical apperance that one would rather scour ones eyes out than snatch a glimps of her. So deformed and devoid of any attractive atributes that to beat her to death with her own shoes would be an act of mercy and deemable of a sainthood... You are what you eat, and munters have eaten all the ugly people they could find!

sandra

A Blue, dented 206 motorcar owned by the infamous cynds in the 00’s

photography

The art of being able to make strange people look at least remotely pretty and not camp at all.

Graffiti

Italian for "Scratched drawings"

Coventry

Also has a*fantastic* ring road. Much amusement is had watching non-locals try to drive on it and promptly shit themselves when they realise the junctions are 3ft apart.

Gin

Mother’s ruin. It’ll all end in tears.

Serve with tonic.

Big Brother

A collection of the most pointless waste of skin ever

David

My partner (who I’m hoping isn’t straight!)

Jocular

Jock eyes

LOL

Uninspiring comment generally used by illiterate 12 year-olds at the end of every sentence.

hur

Apparantly a show of amusement used on IRC, something less than a “lol”.

Faeces 8472

A particularly stubborn bottom dropping that resists any biological, chemical or technological means of ridding it from the toilet bowl

Theaksto

Old Peculiar – nice drink from Yorkshire

masturbation

It makes you go blind.

pull

Verb. 1. To seduce a desirable person, to sexually attract someone. Also commonly heard in the male expression pull a bird meaning to attract a female. E.g.“I pulled this gorgeous student at the Union bar.”

2. To arrest. E.g.“Yeah, I was pulled climbing out of the rear window of the bank and carrying £40,000 in cash.” {Informal}

Limerick

There once was a nice bloke named Scott,

Who liked having sex in the bott,

He met a young Possom,

Who told him to toss him,

And now what a great guy he’s got! 😜

Liz Copper

Blonde woman with disturbingly intense eyes who reports news from Staffordshire for BBC Midlands Today. Frequently relegated to the wacky “And Finally” spot after the Sport due to a total lack of news from "The Creative County"

Adam Baldwin

Guy with the worst haircut in Britain

Shoe Horn

A fetish.

cocaine

Because that septum isn’t going to dissolve itself

hedgehogs

Great for cheese and pineapple...

massage

The art of caressing someone on the inside of their thighs when they are face down on their bed and watching them turn to putty.......

Air

Government would tax you for it, if they could find a way.

Corrie

An amazing soap opera set up North. Oh it’s grand. And has a cat miaowing in its opening titles.

Fucking A.

David

The straight one 😉

Cakes

or walk to Tesco and go to CAKE section and buy a huge box and save the electricity, the flour, the eggs etc and get clubcard points

Aston Villa

Yay the best football team of the 90s

The 1890’s that is

Charity

A coat you wear twice a year

Gashfucker

A straight bloke or a gay girl innit

b3ta

“We love the web” screams it’s headline. Well, if you loved it so much you’d not peddle so much FILTH AND DEPRAVITY on it 😁

Private

Film from director Saverio Costanzo about a Palestinian family who live normal (ish) lives in a house between a settlement and a refugee camp that are turned upside down when the Israeli army occupies the house. Shocking, the ending was unexpected, very good.

Requiem for a Dream

Scott’s favourite film of all time.

Taken from Hubert Selby Jr’s book of the same name, it charts the dreams of four individuals whose lives intertwine in a gorgeous, deeply touching, sometimes horrific story that leaves you longing for human company and speechless the first time you see it. Amazing direction by Darren Aronofsky and absolutely stunning acting from the cast which includes amongst others Jennifer Connelly and Ellen Burstyn – def worth watching.

Website kinda gets across the feel of the film, go have a play if you have flash installed and a soundcard 😊

Fox

American network that fucks around with, and then prematurely cancels, really good TV shows

reading

Something people do. Often on the forums. Usually before typing

Seabears

An imaginary creature that haunts the sandy beaches of the Canary Islands. They forage during the evening hours on Chavvy tourists and takes them back to their rocky lair and play tunes on their bones.

Commonly used in the phrase “I’m having a Seabears moment” when realising a slip of the tongue – can be interchanged with “blonde” or “senior”, but “seabears” is far far better

stately homes

Slow moving old people.

Example useage: “I was walking down the pavement innit when my strides got messed up coz I had to walk around dem stately homes be-atch”

D&D

Dog & Duck soho?

Off

Posh off-licence

Jizzbeard

Noun. Occupational hazard of Thingbox

Jace

short for Jason aka photographer. Barbican Cinema events organiser and Citizens Advice worker

Zoom

Lyons Maid lolly from the 1970’s

Wardrobe

not to be mistaken with Garderobe, which is an old toliet in a castle or said old building.

zombies

Brains, brains, brrrrraaaaiiinsss

cabbage

Good dietary fibre, full of vitamins and minerals, makes you fart. Cooking tip, add ground almond. Further cooking tip, eat raw.

Libby

Named jointly after Lazarus “Libby” Long and the fact that it’s a Libretto — this is Scott's teeny ickle ancient laptop. Made by Toshiba, it has a Pentium 266mhz chip and 64 meg of RAM. This is the overclocked speed...and it was souped up by Scott and has a 20gig HD just for fun...

thingbox

“A box of things”. Apparently. Looks more like a website of some description to me...

Massage

I want one!

Blair

Blair, Tony:- British PM from 1998-nuclear holocaust (next June)

ecstasy

A state of bliss, or extreme happiness.

Titian

Whilst Titian was mixing Rose Madder

His model climbed up a ladder

The position to Titian suggested coition

So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er

Chunt

Cunt of the highest order, e.g. David Blunkett.

Brew Up

To make one or more cups of tea

Dangerous Sports

A range of activities done for fun, where the chance of dieing is higher than normal, and or half the point.

MSN

A hobby

Quadrilateral Equations

Not as difficult as they first appear but still a rather cruel form of torture inflicted upon key stage 3 pupils.

Scott

A man who, if he spent less time chatting to sexy men online while procastinating in IRC and more time working on the fucking BETA version on this site we would have more bleeding members! GET TO WORK BITCH!*cracks whip*

Semen

One time ARSEnal Goalkeeper

Feltching

The act of bumming one, cumming in one, then sucking out the heavenly goo with a straw. For other party antics, see also seagulling, donkey punching and monging.

fuckwittage

Term coined by Shazza, good friend of Bridget Jones. Said actions of Fuckwit should be discussed over several bottles of Chardonnay until having blurry good night with besssss fredn s. Argor.

Pirates

People who steal cargo from ships looking dead sexy as they do it. And say things like ‘savvy’ and have really cool names like Captain Jack Sparrow and Bootstrap Bill....arrrrrrrrrrrr!!

Shonky

Badly implemented or produced. Describing a person who isn’t so good at doing what they’re doing.

“His barwork was a bit shonky”.

“That chair’s a bit shonky”...

scareglow

Scary Creatures, like Intergalactic Space Bunny

gigs

Going to see a band live not to be confused with a concert.

Doodlebug

Slang term refering to a type of world war two german rocket mounted bomb. The nickname was affectionately given as the pulse jet engine made a low pitch “doodle” sound as is it passed overhead. If you happened to hear the engine stop doodling (the rocket had travelled its desired range) you were buggered... hence doodlebug... sommat my history teacher told me but i don’t know how true it is.

algebra

The root of all evil

Copulate

coffee named after a movie director... oh no sorry.. that’s Coppolatte

G-A-Y

Pretentious bar full of pretentious scene queen fashion slaves who won’t even pas the time of day with you unless you are wearing the last Armani. Go to Trash Palace; its much cooler!

feelie

A minor court of Fey, as in “Seelie” and "Unseelie"

DTTF

Rallying cry of “Death To the French” often heard around Retro Bar whenever Skywalker has been successfully removed from Thailand and ends up being sucked back into London again

Old Kaka

Name for a friendless old witch who delights in spending her twilight years complaining about the slightest noise within a five mile radius of her, with laughable threats to tell the council and frankly baffling resistance to the use of a washing machine on “the Holy day”. Apparently vomits a lot when forced to endure vibration.

Money

Money has no value, other than the use you put it to.

chav

Council Housing Association Vermin!

Dolphinstar

Dolphins produce wool? I never knew that.

cigarettes

Cigarettes are good for the lungs, increase your sexual prowess and make you appear devastatingly attractive to members of the opposite (or indeed same) sex. They help to fund the NHS, they are nice to kittens and are suitable for enjoyment by all ages.

Cheese Toastie

When a man hasn’t been in the shower for a few weeks, and has sex so fast it causes friction burn...

Fox

James Fox. Ex llama academy student, now eurovision ‘hopeful’....I hope the twat ends up stranded in Europe. He sucks!

chavette

Female chav. Often seen wearing fake Burberry, Fake fur, Fake burberry patterned fur, too much lip gloss, enough mascara to clump and big hoopy earrings. Big hair sprouts from under the Burberry hat and they spend most of their giros on the lottery and/or malibu

Speak an incomprehensible language that’s a cross between Northern, R&B slang and Essex. Husbands likely to have tattoos reading "My other wife is a chav..."

the way of life

orignated from mr_cynds & amy-dave relgion. Some of the famous members of this relgion are Bill Cosby.

bobdylan

But who still somehow managed to be considerably richer than you, Pete

bumwee

see bum wee

dune

place where naughty behaviour happens at Maspolamas (sp?)

Studland

and Uretiti

Q

A Time travelling or future gazing gadget expert who was always able to provide James Bond witht he exact gadgets he needed for the mission ahead...

Coventry

Place I have to work in.

Huggle

Anyone for a cuggie, then?

gareth gates

A semi t-t-t-t-t-talented singer. Has been in Jordan, the poor man.

SEB

Sophie Ellis-Bextor

chariots

Decidedly dodgy set of “Health Clubs for gay men” one of which is about 5 mins from Scott’s flat

skating

Should be done on ice.

Hearse

My car.

Eurovision Song Contest

Dreadful Rubbish

marmite

Loved or hated. There is no in between. AKA Vegemite elsewhere in the world.

Pre-Raphaelite

Beautiful style of painting whose brotherhood included the like of Waterhouse and Rosetti

Wisdom Teeth

Painful. Waste. Of. Time. They are pointless, don’t make you any wiser, and they hurt. Owww!

cats

Small furry creatures that are entirely untrainable and fond of drilling

Countryside

The bit that separates people that is full of animals, poo and other people on horses not cars.

harrods

I accidentally stole some rashers of bacon from Harrods once.

Cyndi Lauper

She just wants to have fun, show her true colours, time after time...

humans

All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.

chav

Noun. A person of working class origin, generally poorly educated, often very casually dressed in sportswear. Derog.

shes0nfire

holly, ex garden centre gnome

nifty

FAG STORIES!

Tell your Drwho/captainJack midgetfistingorgy fantasy here!

dick

Rubbish movie starring Kirsten Dunst and Michelle Williams

PC: spyware ad-ware browser hijack

You been visiting far too many evil doggie porn sites – You need to stop gong to the doggie sites and stop allowing the install ActiveX to install.

Who knows what little Evils where installed – Just never use your credit card ever agene until you install windows from new

Removal tools:

Spybot S&D:

www.spybot.info/en/index.html

Ad-aware: Personal Edition SE:

www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/

[Both recommended to download and use together & Both are Free]

Leprachaun

Variety of wheat whose ears fall off

ajax

The White Tornado

(For those who are auld enough to remember the add “Cleans like a White Tornado” commercial)

Awfultic

Anything that claims authenticity when it cleatly isn’t at all authentic.

For example, the “genuine” Australian pub that has plastic crocodiles hanging from the walls and serves only luke-warn Castlemain XXXX.

bacon sandwiches

the king of all breakfasts.

catomite

the thing that removes all the superpowers from cats.

Foreploy

The theoretical stage before sex for heterosexuals. If you are a homosexual replace with porn.

Lamb

awww, it’s fluffy.

dick

diminuitive form of Richard

Part-Time Insaniac

Well that’s why I’m here really

Boinking

1. The act of hitting someone over the head with a soft / foam object.

2. fucking someone for the sake of it or for humorous intent.

photography

pointing the camera at something, pressing the button and praying that it looks ok!!

online forums

Plural of online_forum

West Central

Tatty shopping Mall near Bond Street

Diarhhoea

Tendency to crap too much

see squits

see Bum Wee

See Verbal Diarrhoea

Strip Poker

Competative titilation. Anyone fancy a game?

humans

Bipedal denizens of a largely unremarkable but not entirely unpleasant ball of rock, floating aimlessly somewhere in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable Western Spiral arm of

the Galaxy. Their greatest accomplishments include the construction of the Pyramids at Giza, their triumphant defeat of gravity in 1961, and the cancellation of an (un)popular science fiction series called ‘Enterprise’. Their greatest failures, which significantly outnumber their achievements, include the development of musical ringtones, their evolutionary (and rather vulgar) method of reproduction, the ‘mullet’ hairstyle, and the gratuitous and belligrerently spiteful existence of Gail Porter.

The greatest human mystery remains, of course, Lisa Riley.

Chavmas

The winter festival celebrate by bad taste trash without a Christian bone in the body. The celebration involves Getting pissed, wearing Santa hats, turning your house into something like Blackpool Illuminations forcing a new Nuclear Power Station to be opened so the electricity can be provided. Driving you 4x4 or Sprog mobile to every out of town shopping centre to buy noisy toys for the brats, fake designer stuff for everyone else and enough pre prepared food and booze to last the siege of Stalingrad.

teabagging

When a drunken compadre has fallen foul to the menace of unconsciousness, his equally drunken comrades will attempt to revive him by smacking their bollocks on his forehead.

Whether he actually wakes up is irrelevant because you will have laughed so much doing it.

Beeston

Also somewhere just outside of Nottingham.

cats

The Egyptians thought cats were gods and they haven’t forgotten it.

circus2iraq

A small group of performers and activists are currently in Iraq performing and running circus skills workshops for the kids.

During the war, one of the most powerful things was playfulness when the bombs were falling – a birthday party, a football game, singing, blowing bubbles.

Anyone with skills, experience, donations or ideas to offer is welcome to get in touch.

Gerald Scarfe

Cartoonist – Well known for his political satire, his habit of using splattery inks and his very distinctive style. His website contains a link to the work he did on The_Wall – go look 😊

Computers

Fuckers.

Bobby Davro

Strange man. I sat on his knee once, and there are photos to prove it.

Eggy

Everything that is right with the world, especially Easter. “Eggy” to egg, meaning, to be fine/well/not bad.

Graffiti

the application of any media to any surface

laurs bobbins

my wifey 😁

Pam Ann

God with hoopy earrings

archer

Geoffrey

Literary genious of some renown, erswhile contender for the Tory Crown and Mayorial Chain. His vivid imagination earned him a place at the University of Belmarsh, from where he graduated with first class honours.

chocolate

What I live for.

dorkbot

Freaky people who do strange things with electricity.

Meet in Limehouse and Brick lane.

Olives

Eugh! Satan’s fruit! Utterly vile, and occasionally found lurking in salads, masquerading as grapes.

Custard

Should be served over crumble. Mmmmm.

Splint

To run very fast with a broken leg

Brumble

The act of grumbling in a blustery sort of way. For example, what old people do when they have no intention of doing anything about their greivance, but merely wish you to understand they’re not happy about something and/or everything.

Ajax

Not to be confused with icing sugar or cocaine

gareth gates

the Rick Astley of the early 21st Century

firefly

Amazing sci-fi show that was axed by the Evil Fox after about 10 episodes...now available as a 13 episode DVD and soon to be available as a film, it charts the story of nine people living on a spaceship and getting up to all kinds of mischief. Cross the sharp writing team of Buffy with a little of the A Team and Babylon 5 and throw in a touch of Spaceballs and a healthy dollop of spaghetti western and hey, it sounds unlikely, but it all works.

Home to lines as great as: Wash: Psychic? Sounds like something out of science fiction. Zoe: We live on a spaceship dear

and:

Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Dead good. Go see.

Michael Jackson

Pop star. Allegedly naughty and responsible for some of the biggest selling records of all time, as well as some of the most bizarre plastic surgery ever. Allegedly.

Strangely no mention of the court case allegations on his website 😉

antidisestablishmentarianism

Impossible to win with in Countdown as Carol never gets enough letters out

marmite

Yuck.

snacks

see also food, its like food, only smaller

Showgirls

Dodgy soft porn for sad wankers.

itlapd

Acronym of “International Talk Like A Pirate Day”

On Sep 19th each year the world is encouraged to take like a pirate. You can learn how at the official home page devoted to the day (link below).

Made famous by writer Dave Barry, the event has quite a cult following, particularly at the b3ta boards (not that I go there; very overrated website that’s rarely funny).

See ‘Pirates’.

A Waste of Your Time

Grumpy, hormonal, imature teenagers

daleks

Overgrown pepperpots with sink plungers that have caused mayhem and terror throughout the universe.

cock blocker

n. (Bath house Slang) a person or a group of people who hang around outside a room obstructing or delaying the chance of getting laid.

ajax

A suburban town in Southern Ontario,Canada,

SPACED

the best ever

skip to the end

still the best

Moogal

A mooing bloogal.

Assam

The Lion from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

smoking

Bloody irritating – it stinks and makes it so I can’t bloody well breathe.

BNP

Banque National de Paris

Work

The place I go somtimes between sleeping and buying DIY stuff.

It generally helps pay for things but is bad for your health

Entertainmen

And a fun time was had by all...

tube surf

The art of looking immensely cool as you travel the underground whilst standing up without using hands. Honest. Dead cool.

Tuatha de Danon

Also – Tuatha de Dannan

Mythical inhabitants of Ireland – defeated the Formorians, and then were in turn defeated by the Milesians, the first huamn inhabitants of Ireland.

THe focus of much Irish folklore, there are many legends surrounding them

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

never drink more than 2 unless you a re six tonn mega elephant with brochial pneumonia.

Pino

Small robot for playing with. Squeaks and sounds a bit like mogwai. Most sexeh. Sulks if you don’t play with him. Bit like mogwai. Just remember kids, yiffing robots is wrong, mmkay?

(Tho Scott’s one isn’t that cool)

pigeons

Also known as rock doves, they are considered very lucky on the Canary Islands, and treated with considerable respect, espcially outside of the cities

Kumquat

The most amusingly named fruit yet discovered.

chuck

Apparently.....woodcutters do this to wood a lot

DJ

Me! On Burst Fm. Yeah baby yeah!

Squits

Posh word for Diarrhoea (which is a stupid word anyway)

See also Bum Wee

c-word

How about “Celery”?

Dangerous Sports

Like foxhunting when your the fox.....only, I presume, not much fun

Oleophobic

Fear of hand creams

LOL

Something tongues sometimes do.

SPACED

One of the most inspired comedies of recent history. Best watched whilst under some sort of influence, but just as bizarre when sober.

Fox

Sam Fox. Touch me touch me, I wanna feel your body! Oh yeah!

Kylie

The word “Kylie” is Aboriginal and means “Boomerang”. Not a lot of people know that.

IRC

Internet Relay Chat. Invented in 1988, lets freaks (and other people) chat to each other over the interweb...